Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches

I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors

I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.

I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”

Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS

I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.

I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.

they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard

No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark

What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.

There was a sudden Jeff in the family

Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes

Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .

[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason

“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”

Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

I need to get organized and plan ahead

*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly

my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her

Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town

Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town

A:So quirky

C:Haha America’s sweetheart

I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out

Shit dude that SUCKS

-me as a 911 operator

people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago

ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.

Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious