Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan

Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”

Me: nah

Husb: you could create your own cult

Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god

There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.

I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..

Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF

Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]

Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME

My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”

This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room

Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar

Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.

Me: Okay, but is that right or left?

I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.

I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.

Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you

Me: I didn’t call you

Demon: I did

*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is “redacted”

me: ████████

judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct

The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers

Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?

Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW

“Let’s break a leg today guys!”

–Actors and mobsters getting pumped for work

My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.

When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.