Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.

them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?

me: finger quotes sure

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

[walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?

3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving

Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.

3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”

😬

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.

Me: *applies for a loan*

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses

Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.

ME: I’m scared of dying alone.

SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.

Doc I keep throwing up

Did u eat anything odd lately

No

What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”

You said eat, idiot

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”

Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”

Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.

As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.

[me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]

Lately I have the attention span of wait what

Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?

Top Four Signs of Job Security:

4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*

the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions

Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.

4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff

Me: But you don’t have any more money

4: That’s okay, we can use your money

What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.