Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

saw that musical. didn’t care for it.

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars

ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot

I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home

Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro

I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me

Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.

Same pineapple, same

“Moo.”

– hipster sheep

[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”

Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.

They didn’t planet that way.

Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us

I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection

My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.

Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?

America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?

Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling

I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.

Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.

I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.

It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.

Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread

[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]

me: *vomits everywhere and passes out

training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”

I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”

[wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks