[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
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Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
#Thanos #MondayMood
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
I feel this so hard
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into