[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
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You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why