I get sad when I see how old people my age are.
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Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
PARKOUR
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*