I get sad when I see how old people my age are.
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Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
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Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer