I get sad when I see how old people my age are.
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I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.