Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”

History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened

History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened

History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen

History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war

Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?

Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?

So they can be namaste at home moms.

I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.

when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”

I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent

Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.

I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.

*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.

“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”

Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house

Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates

And now…a ‘joke’.

Why was the demon in hospital?

It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*

Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.

Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.

[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”

this is so top tier i cant

Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.

sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy

I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O

Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.