Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator

How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine

Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”

When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.

Don’t ruin this for me!

[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal

My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.

For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.

Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.

My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.

I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…

devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up

Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?

Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?

Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle

In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son

Trumpy Cat

How people walk when they’re:

DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.

Me: You make me so proud.

Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”

HER: I love how we always finish each other’s

HIM:

HER:

HIM:

HER: Marriages

[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

*playing hide & seek with my group*

5: I’m only going to count to ten

Me: why?

5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?

Girl: am I the dinner?

Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no

Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.

[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?

If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.

I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.