Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.

CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.

Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.

For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.

The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.

I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train

1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.

1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!

2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*

[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?

It’s two tired.

Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?

Because he had gnocchi

*quietly waits for the reply guys

are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something

Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile

Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.

Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.

I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.

thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs

My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself

Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.

Who knew.

Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids

putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.

I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1

Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.

You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.

Me: [walking through front door]

4: Is it storming outside?

Me: Yeah it is buddy.

4: Did you get hit by lighting?

Me: Nope I’m all safe-

4: Why not?

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

im 7 sauces long

I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth

where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*

drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”

Wife: why are you smiling?

[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]

Me: I was thinking about you.