Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?

DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.

ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.

I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.

i’m still crying at this

Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog

If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold

In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.

yeah…. right…

Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??

Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!

Partner: It’s raining

Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything

him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?

me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose

him: that’s not what I asked

me: that is the information I have

🤣dope

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.

Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.

Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals

Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.

Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?

According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”

I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.

Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?

How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”

Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go