I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
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A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
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Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
