Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me

[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.

cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?

At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.

will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too

Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?

Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.

Interviewer: How soon can you start?

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

Proof that kids sometimes listen…

5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?

Me: I’m dressed

5: Those look like pajamas

Me:

5: Did you brush your teeth?

Me: Yes

5: Let me smell

Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.

Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.

My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?

Husband: You should go to bed.

Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.

friend: i would kill for a burrito right now

me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?

Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to

My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.

Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend

Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

“What movie?” 🤔

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.