I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
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#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
this was the best i’ve ever seen
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.