I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
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blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
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Prince
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Duke Ellington
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Steve Earle
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Lorde
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Lady Gaga
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Sir Mix-a-Lot
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.