I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
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I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
#SaturdayBears
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]