I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
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Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.