I get so stressed trying to keep track of all my Christmas vouchers. I wish there was a universal voucher you could spend anywhere. Maybe it could have the king’s face on it and come in different denominations.
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Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.