I get so stressed trying to keep track of all my Christmas vouchers. I wish there was a universal voucher you could spend anywhere. Maybe it could have the king’s face on it and come in different denominations.
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[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
🍂🕷️🍂
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey