i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line
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You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
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I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
I support this random dude and all his protests
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The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.