i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line
You Might Also Like
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
My 12yo stole all the nice socks that I rightfully stole first from my mom.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”