Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.

– Snow globe, the story.

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.

boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus

me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator

Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying

My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man

4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit

“Moo.”

– hipster sheep

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash

You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles

More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.

Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.

‘I want to gossip but professionally.’

– news anchors

Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.

Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.

What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”

What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.

*Googles Yahoo*

Google: Wow. I’m right here

Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.

(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.

Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.

These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.

ME: my clothes are getting smaller

WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight

ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this