I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
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Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*