I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
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Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway