I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

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NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks


I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters


Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.


Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.


Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.


Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job


Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad


Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to