I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
You Might Also Like
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
*puts words between two asterisks*
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Remember folks 😂
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Bond. Trauma bond.
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah