I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
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(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
I am patiently waiting for your email
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Why did they call it a street sweeper and not a Vroomba
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Good morning
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one