I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
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As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.