I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
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manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left