I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
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Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
One of the best
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’