I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
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[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally