I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
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STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
BaD BoY!!
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.