I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
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Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
found a horse’s reddit account
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”