Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*

Me: you know you could refill it

Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own

Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?

Husband: omg are you?

Me: I hate you

Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.

Police say they have several leads

#Police

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.

Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

NEW LAUNDRY RULES!

1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!

2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!

3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.

stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot

my premium snap prices:

-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15

My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?

God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.

Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.

My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money

1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*

7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*

Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.

I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.

5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start

“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.

I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.

[during sex]

Me: So do you LIKE like me or

I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…

Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.

One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.

Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.

If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.

I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.