I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
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3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.