I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
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Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Never thought owning a bakery would have me handwrite love letters for long distance couples sending each other breads but here I am. This is literally the thirdest I’ve ever wheeled without even being even there
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
$3 #books
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning