I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
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I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
That’s what I call a flat tire
