I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
You Might Also Like
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
yeah not falling for this one
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Me, reading some of your tweets
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]