Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!

[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]

Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.

And Monopoly was born.

But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?

kidnappers: get in the car

me: i want to sit in front

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?

February 14th.

We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.

Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert

[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!

You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.

My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”

News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.

But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.

“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad

Mountain Goat : )

I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.

Wife: but she’s only 3.

Me: I need the extra time.

Wife: why?

Me: to catch and train the owl.

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area

me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life

You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.

*baby starts crying*

Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something

When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.

Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream

some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon

I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.

Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!

My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.