Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce

This cat looks like Wilford Brimley

I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂

*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”

on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.

I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.

Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.

Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies

Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.

Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.

“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.

Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!

My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

Me: Footlong

Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?

Me: Cookie

judge: do u swear to tell the truth

me: dare

judge: what

me: i choose dare instead

judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal

I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!

[8 years later]

Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.

“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.

Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.