I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
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It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I didn’t know they can drive…
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
I’m not stressed
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Challenge accepted.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again