I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
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Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
This is enough internet for the day.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
reviewed some movies recently
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good