I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
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I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Just got to our Airbnb!
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
He’s dead
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know
me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–
person: *losing interest*
me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.