Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate

The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”

I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”

If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there

date: I’m an archaeologist

me: my career is also in ruins

I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.

[comedy club]

Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!

Other worms: *silence*

Early bird: *cracking up*

PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000

ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!

*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*

I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.

MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?

That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.

It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer

Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.

I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement

What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?

Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?

ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.

I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.

Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.

Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end

Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately

If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.

Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.