@IamEveryDayPpl

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

You Might Also Like

@capnwatsisname

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu

@TheBoydP

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

@MatCro

[bar]

CUSTOMER: Barman

BARMAN: Sir?

C: This beer tastes like piss

[further down the bar]

BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having

@cray_at_home_ma

Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands

@unravelingfire

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

@chuuew

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

@MomofTeen

I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.

@KielyHealey

I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives

@FU_TangClan

her: what do you want?

me: to pay for my sins

her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru

me: I mean to pay for my McSins