I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
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Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
my veterinarian: don’t forget we offer a military discount!
me to my cat: have you served in the military
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Twas the Night Before Return Without Receipt Day & All the Retail Employees Were Drinking Heavily While Visions of “No, I Won’t Take Store Credit— Get Me the Manager!” Danced in Their Heads.
[taking long drag from cigarette] if the blackbox can’t be destroyed then why don’t they just make the whole plane out of the blackbox material
flight attendant: you are absolutely not allowed to smoke in here
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Apparently the unbuttoning of a shirt and letting your hair down for a cop only works for women.