I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
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Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
March 16
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️