@IamEveryDayPpl

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

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@orangecrushable

I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.

@4SLars

No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.

@TylerLinkin

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

@maisondecris

my veterinarian: don’t forget we offer a military discount!

me to my cat: have you served in the military

@TravLeBlanc

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

@ozzyunc

Twas the Night Before Return Without Receipt Day & All the Retail Employees Were Drinking Heavily While Visions of “No, I Won’t Take Store Credit— Get Me the Manager!” Danced in Their Heads.

@NOTVIKING

[taking long drag from cigarette] if the blackbox can’t be destroyed then why don’t they just make the whole plane out of the blackbox material

flight attendant: you are absolutely not allowed to smoke in here

@canazn_73

Apparently the unbuttoning of a shirt and letting your hair down for a cop only works for women.