I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

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What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu


Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.





C: This beer tastes like piss

[further down the bar]

BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having


Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands


I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.


ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?


I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.


I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives


her: what do you want?

me: to pay for my sins

her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru

me: I mean to pay for my McSins