Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.

As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival

🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse

🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse

🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse

My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.

Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it

the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out

A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.

One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.

Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”

Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.

ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo

THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down

I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955

Her: So, what are we thinking?

Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”

ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip

ME: check out this cordless trimmer

BARBER: stop calling me that.

riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go

Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?

God: Lighten up drama queen.

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days

Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.

Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.

*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.