I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
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My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
This is painfully accurate 😅
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo
Me: lol *like*
Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news
Me: n-
Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
No flush
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run