I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
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Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool