I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
