I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.
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Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJ Maxx
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?