I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.
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“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
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