Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating

Awesome parenting 😂

I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.

Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!

-Me eating Oreos

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.

1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?

Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.

Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.

who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?

as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password

Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips

Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?

Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.

Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.

P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.

Me: Is that a beret?

P: Oui.

I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!

Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders

Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!

You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick

The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.

*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*

“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.

You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”