Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*

FLOWER: What’s that?

BEE: I can explain

F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian

I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops

An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

“So, what’s the plan?”

“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”

I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone

*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”

You need to slow your roll there survey.

This classic never gets old . . .

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*

Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*

Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*

[phone]

H: What’s for dinner?

M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.

H: Should I stop and get something?

M: Yes, more vodka.

Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.

Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.

Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.

Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.

“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”

What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:

“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”

Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.

Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house

Emma is smarter than all of us.

Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor

Neighbor: *talking, shifts*

Me: *shifts, too, talking*

N: *moves, keeps talking*

M: *moves, too, keeps talking*

N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?

Me: Yes

N: *laughing*

INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me