I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
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Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Genius idea!!
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.
I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.
I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.