I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
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beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Saturday
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.