Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
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My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up