I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
You Might Also Like
They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
me opening up to someone
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.