I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
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If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.