I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
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Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
“YOU’RE GONNA GET THE HELL OVER HERE AND WATCH THIS CHRISTMAS MOVIE WITH US AS A FAMILY AND YOU’RE GONNA HAVE CHRISTMAS JOY!!”
– And other fun christmas things I say to my kids
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer