I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.

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“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*


I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.


Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.


If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.


*draws a sharpie mustache on my grandma*
lol you cant hang loser.
passin out w/ shoes on? rookie
“Sir please step away from the casket”


Two men came to the door asking if I’d found Jesus.

I said “Hell no. I don’t want to have to spend my weekends bothering people at home.”


2 Jehovah’s witnesses knocked earlier, so I invited them in. I gave 1 the hoover & 1 a mop.

If they can do Gods work, they can do mine.


I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.


Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”


Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.