@NaaN_Conformist

I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.

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@Smooheed

“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*

@NYC_Blonde

I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.

@dubiousrhetoric

Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.

@Jake_Vig

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

@SenseiSandwich

*draws a sharpie mustache on my grandma*
lol you cant hang loser.
passin out w/ shoes on? rookie
“Sir please step away from the casket”

@myles_morrison

Two men came to the door asking if I’d found Jesus.

I said “Hell no. I don’t want to have to spend my weekends bothering people at home.”

@Dirty_Naomi

2 Jehovah’s witnesses knocked earlier, so I invited them in. I gave 1 the hoover & 1 a mop.

If they can do Gods work, they can do mine.

@DBStoner

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

@Kyle_Lippert

Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”

@sixfootcandy

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.