I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
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I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I feel seen.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap