When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
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My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
and now we wait
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much