I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
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There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
The prophecy is fulfilled
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
I unironically love this joke.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot