I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
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“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:
-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns